Abandoned by Your Father

 

When a parent or guardian deserts a child with little or no regard for the child’s overall welfare and well-being, it is referred to as child abandonment. There is a more formalized definition and set of parameters for what qualifies legally as child abandonment, but to adults that have grown up under single-parent households, formalities are nowhere near the top of the list. The absence of what might have been uncompromised self-esteem and self-worth, not to mention feelings of rejection, shame, and the need to hide part of yourself; these are just a few of the residuals that parental abandonment can create. “You are not of value” and “You are not good enough” send shock waves of pain that can reverberate well into our adult years, and many of us are not aware of how deeply wounded we are.

Whether it is because the parent wasn’t prepared for fatherhood, the pregnancy was unplanned, or there was a breakdown in the marriage or relationship, in cases of abandonment, it is believed to be more common for fathers to be absent or have little to do with parenting than it is for mothers. Fathers have a critical role in a child’s development. When he is engaged, it reduces many of the behavioral problems encountered in boys that were raised without someone functioning in a fatherly role. When the father isn’t participating in the family unit in some positive and supportive way, families still function, but for a child, the ramifications of not having a biological father’s love can be very difficult.

In some cases, a parent can be in the home but abandons the child by being emotionally withdrawn and/or toxic. This can leave a wound that is as deep as not having a father in the home. No adult that has grown up with a father that has abandoned them will know the extent to which it has altered their perception, conditions, or circumstances, but there can be no doubt that the need for God’s healing is paramount. Our parents are not perfect, and neither are we, however, all of us have responsibilities for which God holds us accountable. Children do not ask to be born. Their parent’s choices led to their births. Whether they were planned or not, God holds their parents responsible for their care and well-being. 

Parenting is one of the most rewarding and challenging responsibilities of life, but God never meant for a mother and father to do it alone. His heart is that they both allow their relationship to be led by Jesus Christ, and that they lean totally on His guidance and directions for parenting. God’s plans never fails, and His plans work best, but we know that most parents do not live according to the wisdom of God’s Word. Because of this, relationships between couples break down, and many children grow up not receiving the love, nurturing, and support they need. Many of them turn into adults that feel incomplete and desperately want the attention and validation of the parent that was absent or emotionally unavailable during their lives.

One of the truths that we must accept is that God sees and knows all. Nothing escapes Him. God knew the hardships we would face as a result of being abandoned by our biological fathers, and He has a plan for our redemption and restoration. Believe it or not, that nagging pain of having a hole in our hearts will not disappear if the biological father has a change of heart. Nothing he can do will take away the wound that is in us. We are not to blame for our hurtful childhoods and for the decisions our fathers made. There was nothing in us that made our fathers turn their backs on the greatest privilege of fathering us. All of us have shortcomings and weaknesses, and if we want to be whole and live with a peace that passes all understanding, we must turn to God. He is our Creator and Heavenly Father, and He wants to heal our wounds.

The Shift
God will ‘father’ us through the healing He provides through Jesus Christ. This is extremely important to understand, because many of us will not look to God, but will look to the parent that has abandoned us to fill our cups. There’s a desperate need to connect with our biological fathers because in our minds, they can add back the value that has been missing for such a long time. It is not possible for them to do this. It is paramount that we make a shift in our thinking. We must understand that God has a plan and purpose for our lives, and seeking it is the fuel that drives every good thing that will occur for us. Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 6:33(NLT) “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

We are spiritual beings having an earth experience. John 3:16(NLT) says, “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” God doesn’t want anyone to perish. He sent His beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to the earth to save us. Christ sacrificed his life and died for our sins, so that we could have eternal life. This shows us the unending, unyielding, limitless love of God. He gave His most precious treasure so that we could become a part of His family and live an eternity with Him. When we accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we receive the gift of eternal life. We will never die but will be with God in Christ forever.

So, our earth experience begins this journey. We’re going to be around a really, really, really long time. A human being doesn’t have it within themselves to administer the kind of healing and love that would make us fit for an eternal journey. Only God’s infinite love and power will do the trick.

Only God can give us what we need. Only He knows the intricacies of our internal wrong programming and crossed wires, and only He can repair them. If we look under the hood of our brokenness, we will see that what’s missing is knowledge; the knowledge of God’s love through Jesus Christ, the knowledge regarding who God has made us to be and how He designed us to work, and the knowledge of our purpose in God’s plan for the entire universe. So, we must make a shift in our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. We should love our biological fathers, but they are not the source of our validation and sufficiency, God is. To look to our parents to make us whole is a journey backward and not forward. It is a continual attempt to repeat what has transpired so we can somehow make it better.

The thing that keeps the wound open and raw is our practice of continuing to make our father’s abandonment centerstage in our lives. We must move from behind the shadow of abandonment and recognize that the one who abandoned us is not the glorified one, but the one in need of prayer. The father who abandoned deprived himself of great joy. He missed the lessons of faith and maturity that God desired to teach him through his biological children. We may need to come to the realization that our biological fathers are best served by us when we leave them in God’s hands and move on to do what is best for our own healing and destiny.

You can’t carry the heavy baggage and oppression of abandonment into the newness God has for you. If your arms are already full with the burden of abandonment, you can’t reach out and grab the blessings with your name on them. Release the burden to Jesus Christ. This is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 11:28(NLT), “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” You must surrender the burden of our past totally to Jesus Christ.

You may not have had the support, care, and love of your biological dad in the way that you wanted, but you have a Heavenly Father, and only He can supply ALL that you need; He is willing and able to do it. If you will allow Him, Heavenly Father will heal your broken heart. He will do it to such a degree that you will be better than you ever thought possible. Then, through God’s love and wisdom, you will be able to demonstrate for your children what a loving parent should be. ■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved. 

"Abandoned by Your Father"  written for Christian Encouragement and Inspiration© 2021. All rights reserved. All praise and honor to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.