An Unfaithful Spouse...Can the Marriage Be Saved?

18 Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. 19 Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them. (Colossians 3:18-19 The Message)

by Alexandra Copeland

Ephesians 5:31(KJV) gives us insight as to how God views the institution of marriage. It says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” This verse demonstrates that the connection between a husband and wife can be so strong that the two become one flesh. God no longer sees two, but one, operating together in unison; standing together, back to back, each supporting the other as they face the sorrows, challenges, joys, and victories of life. So intertwined a union this thing called ‘marriage’ is meant to be.  So it can be no secret that when the trust of this union is breached, it is no doubt a devastating blow; one that can spin our worlds into utter havoc.

Our first inclination may be to spring into action in an effort to minimize collateral damage. We want to preserve our own hearts, and where children are involved, protect them as well. This might entail a desire to levy accusation and blame at the ‘other’ woman or man; or it may even cause the more wounded partner to go into deep denial about what is happening. Neither of these responses will provide safe haven in the long run. Playing the blame game is pointless, and waging retaliatory action against the other woman or man is the absolute worse way to go. Not only does this undercut your own personal power, it is a course of action that will send your world spiraling deeper into a negative cycle.  

When you’ve taken a hit to the gut like this, it’s probably unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. Your stomach is perpetually in knots, your heart is to the ground, broken in pieces; and you don’t have a clue what to do to help the situation. From where you stand, it can appear as though there are no solutions that are going to help get back what you’ve lost. In order for you to get a grip, it may be necessary to let the pieces lay on the floor for a minute, and resist trying to pick them up and put them in their respective places.

The pieces of the puzzle that made what you called your life no longer fit. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you probably will not recognize it until you can look at things from a distance. The rift in any marriage can potentially expose a vitally important and underserved element in our walks in Christ; and ultimately this is where you’ll want to bring your focus.

A crisis will potentially and almost always expose the vulnerability in our spiritual armor. It will show us where we’re not producing fruits, but just going through the motions and following routines. God never intended that our lives should fall into ruts like this. God’s throne is wrought with dynamic and fantastical activity every moment. He doesn’t have a lackluster existence and He didn’t create our lives to be that way either.

Our lives should be filled with elevations and promotions, and we should be ever growing and abounding in God’s Words. We should be confident that we have a destiny. At all times God knows where we’re supposed to be and when we’re supposed to be there. So in terms of our spiritual walks, if we’re at point A and we should be at point B, there’s a problem.

You can believe with every fiber of your being that there are greater blessings at point B. There are also greater challenges. So if you’ve not prepared adequately and sharpened your armor, a situation like an unfaithful spouse can chip away at your faith, to the point where you begin to question it. God has not left you alone. He will never abandon us in our time of need, but He does expect that we will come to Him with the expectation and desire of strengthening ourselves in His love, power, and grace.

Self-help gurus and societal wisdom might tell you that you deserve better. You do! …and better can be found only in Jesus Christ. We’ll not find what we’re looking for in any other person than the person of Jesus Christ. In Matthew 11:28-30(NLT), Jesus Christ provides us with tremendous comfort. It reads, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

There is a song that says, “Just a little talk with Jesus will make it all right.” Indeed it will. There isn’t anything too broken, downtrodden, and destroyed that he cannot restore, fix it, and make it better. So if your marriage is broken and you’re wondering if it can be saved, through our precious Lord and Savior, all things are possible; but your focus must be on him. You can’t look at what your spouse is doing, because that will not help you get to a place of reconciliation. Don’t blame your spouse, or indulge self-condemnation and go on a guilt trip. You’ve come to a crucial point in your life, and it will not do you any good to get caught up on the past.

The Apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:13-14 (NLT), “I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” When something as devastating as spousal abandonment or you’re faced with the actions of an unfaithful spouse, we cannot have an expectation that we can go back to where we used to be. There’s no sense in trying to reach back and bring the past with us as we endeavor to journey forward. All the missteps and baggage that allowed the rift to occur must be acknowledged, confronted, and released. It’s too heavy to bring it with you as you embark upon the next level of growth.

You may not understand why you’ve landed in this place, and this is why Proverbs 3:5(KJV) gives us extraordinary comfort by telling us to “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Verse 6 goes on to tell us, “In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” We need to acknowledge God in all our ways. This demonstrates our faith in His ability to direct our paths. We don’t have to understand the details of what when wrong or why. God just requires that we trust Him. We have to trust Him more than we trust ourselves and more than we trusted our spouses.

Whatever it was that you’ve gleaned from your marriage, a sense of security, comfort, happiness—all of this represented God blessing you through your marital partner. Sometimes we forget that a marriage is actually a gift from God, and that He works through our spouses to bless us, and He works through us to bless our spouses. Take this time to give thanks to God for how He’s worked in your marriage in the past, present, and for what He’s going to do in the future. This gratitude will help to bring healing and clarity as you lean on Him, and it will usher in continued growth and blessings in your life. ■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright ©1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.